walking humbly

i've had the opportunity to actually go to church a few times within the last month or so. the days where i used to go to mass every sunday seems a really long time ago. in the last five years, i have struggled with a faith that always seemed to be constant and strong within me. with the help of prayer and connection with friends and family, i have rediscovered a peace that i thought i had lost.

i went to church with my friend, kourtney, a couple of sundays ago. i have not been hugged as much in one setting since college. it was nice. i felt very welcomed. it was a non-denominational christian church. the music, which i loved, was an integral part of the service. i had to get up and introduce myself (with a microphone) as a guest to the church. then, kourtney warned me, "they are all going to hug you now." this might bother some people, but not me.

i have been struggling with how to deal with forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others and with various relationships in my life. the sermon was about how one's innermost self does battle with one's outermost self. God is found within your innermost self and it is a conscious decision to let God affect your actions or your outer self. i know that there are moments that i am moved by God to do or to say things to others. i know that comes from deep within me. i know that i am an instrument and a vessel in other people's lives. and i know that certain people are brought into my life as instruments as well.

however, there are emotions that affect my decisions and actions that are not always Christ-like. i struggle with anger, selfishness, and jealousy. i struggle with being overly competitive and with a strong desire to be loved. i know that when i focus on listening to God that i tend to fight the more negative nature of my personality. i do fight the negativity within me with a strong desire to be a better person. i am constantly on the journey to having my faith be what drives my decision making and to let go of my constant need for control. there have been clear examples in my life where God has shown me that i am not in charge, that i needed to let go of the wheel.

a long time ago, i heard a sermon that pointed out that you may be the only example of a Christian that someone might encounter. this thought really resounded with me. i've applied this thought to other aspects of my personality, being a lesbian, being a filipino, and even being a gay Christian. i could easily wear outward symbols to make it obvious that i'm all these things. it would make for an interesting outfit, t-shirt, or tattoo. i've been told by some that my orientation and my heritage are obvious without wearing rainbow-colored flannel or speaking tagalog while frying fish.

is my being a Christian as obvious to others? truly, i'm not sure. hopefully, it will be one day.