two sides

i was messing around on youtube today and came across this video from "fight club," one of my favorite films. i love that brad pitt plays a character who is the epitome of what edward norton's character is not (but may want to be). two halves of the same coin. i've been thinking alot lately of what brings out the "evil" side in me. i definitely have one. and it is not pretty. some people are seeing it a lot more lately. i don't like that part of myself. i can be severely paranoid, pessimistic and fatalistic. i can make incredibly biting comments and sometimes REALLY mean them. i have to figure out an apology for a co-worker who takes my abuse every time i work with him. sorry, nathan.

i am working the perfect job in retail for me. if i could keep my head down, help customers and ignore the staff like the other two managers, i could work for this company until i retire. yet, this is not the case. in a larger retail store, you are subject to rumors, stories, insults and back-stabbing. in a smaller store, everyone knows exactly what everyone is doing. in my store, people are all concerned with what everyone else is doing and most of it finds it way back to me. even if i tried to hide in an office all day, it finds me. good news and bad news. it gets to be alot. sometimes a bit too much.

i wish at times i could be the brad pitt character and piss in everyone's soup, graffiti on buildings. sometimes i wish i could stand in the middle of the store and scream "GET THE HELL OUT!!" it would probably be easier and having to smile in the face of someone you know is only going to complain about you later. i think it's going to get to the point where i just walk around the store and mutter to myself, smiling an evil smile. "Don't talk about fight club."